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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately. I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who really are.
I love being married. It’s so great find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.
Insomnia sharpens your math skill because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall a sleeping right now
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.
I never forget a face-but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an expectation.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you-but I’m not going to.
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with’em later.
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
